The Proof of Polyamory

For years now I have been purposely single. Like many guys I was waiting to find the “right one” later on in life because I was “getting it out of my system” now. That all changed recently. I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for a while now and I must say…I absolutely love it. I had heard the term polyamorous in the past but never gave any thought as to what it meant until I met my current girlfriend. While we have both been in serious relationships before, this is a first for both of us. We entered the relationship with this style in mind, and it works so well because we are equally aligned emotionally and intellectually.

First, I want to declare what polyamory is and is not. Monogamy is when two people are only allowed to have romantic and sexual interactions with each other. Polyamory comes in many forms, but what I am involved in goes by the name “open relationship”. Simply put, my partner and I aren’t sexually exclusive. Our relationship style allows each of us to have consensual dates and sexual episodes with other people. We are not swingers, we do not live in some kind of constant debaucherous orgy, and this is not a cuckold situation. At its heart polyamory is an honest recognition of humans’ basic nature: the desire for variety in intimate partners.

Of course, there are boundaries to the relationship- yet they are not universal. Each person in this kind of relationship sets up their own rules. The boundaries we set have to do with the protocol for being with other people: things like condom use, certain sexual acts we might be uncomfortable with, STD testing, and purposely informing each other if we are with somebody else. We acknowledge that certain people in our lives are off limits. Others may not agree, but my partner and I admit there can exist a disconnection between sex and emotional attachment. If we feel we were ever to be with somebody who could potentially blur our emotional lines, we must cut them off.

Some of the subjects to our conversations would be catastrophic to many relationships: sexual experiences with other people, past relationships, preferences, fantasies. Perhaps the most vital element to being polyamorous is the open communication, ironically something I see missing from many monogamous relationships. The demands for honest conversation are intense. There is zero room for sweeping shit under the rug; if there is a problem, no matter what kind of problem it is, it needs to be discussed. Otherwise resentment will build and feelings will be hurt. Big issues and little issues alike, everything needs to be brought out into the open and talked about. You would think all relationships would operate this way, but people create room for ignoring and turning the other cheek. If a person cannot even discuss the easy and basic stuff with their partner, how could they ever imagine setting rules for fucking other people? The discussions my partner and I have on these topics, even if they are uncomfortable at times, only bring us closer together.

It is understood conducting a non-monogamous commitment takes a great deal of maturity and emotional intelligence. Rather that pretending we do not have them, we explore personal insecurities. Certainly jealously appears here and there for different reasons, but we work to understand what is causing the feeling and act appropriately. We don’t intellectualize our feelings, deny them, or wish them away; they are guides to truth, to be respected and listened to. It doesn’t enrage me to hear my partner say another guy is “hot” as we are driving by him or to hear her talk about setting up a date with another man. She doesn’t get bothered when I show her a girl with a big ass on Instagram. There is no impulse to control my partner or her desires. She is my partner, not my possession. A younger me would have never had the emotional security to handle this kind of dating style. But it suits the person I am now, and I am profoundly grateful to be here.

By no means do I expect others to understand these relationship dynamics and I would never attempt to sway others to try them. Non-monogamy must happen organically between the partners involved. We don’t somehow love each other less, and yes it is a legitimate serious relationship. She is still my partner; the one, and only one, I am sculpting a life with. All other people I might choose to involve myself with are purely for the sexual outlet. When I am with others, we might appreciate each other as people and enjoy each other’s presence; but when the deed is done I go back to my loving companion. However, when my girlfriend and I are together it becomes a monogamous situation. We don’t hit on others, ditch each other for another person, or commit any act that would begin to unravel the core attachment of the relationship.

Having these abundant freedoms does not make me feel the need to always act on them. If anything, it is when sexual freedom is restrained that people often seek gratification outside the boundaries of their relationship. Anytime I might be with another person, I am that much more excited to go see my girlfriend. Having some independence doesn’t only make me feel more in love with her, partially because I do not feel constrained and limited to one sexual duo, but because our partnership stems from a bond that goes deeper than just physical intercourse. When people fail to see the validity in polyamory, what they are unconsciously stating is that sex is what defines a relationship. They are implicitly stating the physical access two people share is what underlines the connection. How sad a viewpoint, I think.

Our modern world fetishizes meeting the one and only, star-crossed lover of destiny meant for us and us alone. This is our other half we find somewhere out in the world that completes us and solves all our woes and makes us whole again. We forget human pair bonds are rooted in evolutionary necessity. Monogamy is a social solution to a biological problem: how will we raise successful offspring? Now that humans have left the tribe and our culture makes the nuclear family the norm, it is unfathomable to admit that humans are creatures with primal appetites for carnal diversity and animals not unknown to participate in social sexual environments.

When I am with my lover, I still experience those same familiar feelings whole-heartedly. She is my everything, the most beautiful woman in the world, my one and only, my other half that fate delivered. She is absolutely the queen in my kingdom. But there is an understanding between us that we are two complete individuals coming together. If we are on our own time, we are free to do as we please. If something makes us uncomfortable we voice it. This is an immensely rewarding relationship and will carry on this way as long as we wish to keep it open. We do an amazing job at meeting each other’s needs. Our love is strong, but it is not possessive, and we love each other enough to let each other experience freedom.

ToddDeVault.com